“… if your eye got poked out in this life. Would it be waiting up in heaven with your wife?”


I have questions about Heaven. There are not enough characters on Twitter so I’ve brought them here.
I am not religious. Not even in the slightest. I understand that some people need something to believe in, and I respect the (very limited) morality religions instil in their followers, but I do not understand how ancient religions continue to exist in a world of science.
Anyway, I digress.

My questions lie primarily with the Christian concept of Heaven.

If you believe in it, what do you think it is?
I genuinely want to know your thoughts; Is there one heaven? Do we have individual heavens for each other? 
I wonder this because, well, say your partner was in love with someone else which you were unaware of. They die and go to ‘Heaven’ and in their Heaven, they will be with that other person. You still love them so, so will there be another version of your partner for you to be with? OR would them loving someone else be enough to cast them into the firey depths of Hell?

Is the concept of Heaven just a scare tactic to make people behave or even a manipulation tactic by the ‘ruling’ religious bodies? If you’re only behaving in life due to the prospect of going to Heaven, is this selfish act worthy of entry?

I find it hard to believe that the concept of Heaven was developed to help people to cope with death, specifically the deaths of loved ones, as I’m not sure people gave that much of a shit back when the bible was being made up written.

Can anyone help me with these questions?


Fudging the Facts about Me


This is a survey that the handsome Fudgey over on Twitter did. I thought I’d answer too.

  • Age – 35.5
  • Eyes – like sunflowers in a blue sky
  • Hair – on my face
  • Gender – Male
  • Preferred Pronoun – cantankerous
  • Height – 1 fathom
  • Weight – that of two spectacled bears
  • Shoe Size – 11
  • Underpants Size – M/L
  • Distinguishing Features – beard and piercing come-to-bed eyes
  • Favourite Cup Size – FA
  • Favourite Crustacean – the King of Prawns
  • Least Favourite Crustacean – Krill Smith
  • Favourite Food – apples and chickens
  • Least Favourite Food – beans
  • Favourite People – huggers
  • Favourite Crisps – Roast Beef and Mustard Brannigans
  • Favourite Cartoons – Bravestarr & the Legend of Prince Valiant
  • Favourite Cheese – Manchego
  • Favourite Type of Dog – Snoop
  • Favourite Naval Battle Cruiser – the SS Essess
  • Favourite Breakfast Cereal – Frosties
  • Favourite Chocolate Bar – Topic
  • Favourite Heavy Metal Bands – Herman’s Hermitts
  • Favourite Sweets – Midget Gems (but not the charlatan ones which have fake liquorice black sweets)
  • Favourite TV Show – the Office: an American Workplace
  • Favourite Colour – Green
  • Favourite Toilet Paper – anything but quilted. I’d rather use 80s primary school tracing paper toilet roll than quilted.
  • Favourite Kid’s Movie – Disney’s Beauty & the Beast
  • Favourite Twitter Followers – they know who they are.
  • Favourite Sex Position – watching from the wardrobe
  • Favourite Transformer – Jetfire
  • Favourite Müller Corner Yoghurt – Mud Pie
  • Favourite Farm Animal – Goat
  • Favourite Fish Tank Ornament – crashed X-Wing starfighter
  • Favourite Film – Empire Strikes Back
  • Favourite Food to have for tea – cakes
  • Favourite Hot Drink – coffee. strong, splash of milk, no sugar.
  • Favourite Take That bloke – the tax dodging one that sent flowers when my granddad died.
  • Favourite Spice Girl – Geri of course.
  • Dog, Cat or Unicorn – Nickelodeon’s UniCatDog
  • Favourite Pygmy –Pygmalion
  • Favourite Budgie – the Little Helicopter
  • Favourite Kuala Lumpan –  the Head Juicer at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory
  • Favourite Tea – Rich
  • Favourite Dessert – something with toffee but no dried fruits

Batman v Superman; I Wish I Could Like It.

So, it’s over a year since Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was unveiled to the world. I was there on Good Friday, taking in the first (mini)iMAX 3D screening in a more or less packed out theatre. I was excited but apprehensive. I wasn’t blown away by Man of Steel, although it has improved on further watches, and despite my excitement to see Batman and Superman slugging it out, I thought it was too soon in the revived DCCU to bring together their two heavyweights.

I was laughing when I left the cinema. I think I was confused more than anything. What the Hell had I just watched? Seriously, most of the third act was a loud blur. It started off with so much promise. I was taken aback by how the film opened, (yet another mini death of the Waynes scene,) but then Bruce heading to Metropolis was a creative, surprising, and stunning way of bringing us in to his world.
It quickly went downhill from there.
The constant bad decisions made by major characters in this film were more akin to the black comedy stylings of the Coens. It was baffling why people were doing the things they did, and it continued throughout the whole film. I guess it was just the characters echoing the film-makers. It was a mess of ‘you know what would be cool?’ ideas straight off the storyboard.

12 Months and a further two watches Later 

I wanted to like this film. Yeah, I’m mainly a Marvel fanboy, but please don’t think that I wanted this to be bad. I paid to see BvS at the cinema, and when the Ultimate Edition was released, I bought it,  the hope inside wanted the broken film to be fixed. I have since watched the Ultimate Edition twice and where it DOES fix plot holes and logic issues, the film is an even longer, boring, car-crash-I-WANT-to-look-away-from, mess.
Seriously, 3 hours. THREE FUCKING HOURS and still no sign of an entertaining superhero film. Why is more time needed to make these characters exciting and enthralling? We know who these people are, previous incarnations or not, we are invested in these characters. Why try to make us dislike them??
Don’t get me started on the ‘Martha…’ debacle. Seriously, did the Hollyoaks writing staff pen this film?

I’ve given it three chances. Nearly nine hours of my life, and if anything, I’m disliking it more.

I’m glad people can find joy in it, I really am. I just wish I could.