a Song from Four Years Ago

Pretty Hairy (for a Bald Guy)

Bantha, Wampa, Mynock, Ray,

Give it to me Nesty,
Uh-huh uh-huh
Give it to me Nesty,
Uh-huh uh-huh
Give it to me Nesty
Uh-huh uh-huh
And all the lemons say I’m pretty hairy for a bald guy

Uno, dos, tres, look at Nesty’s facial hairs

You know it’s kind of hard
for a balding guy today
the weather’s getting cool
and his hat has gone away.
He may have a bit of stubble
but that’ll hardly keep him warm
goes frosty in the winter
and makes him look forlorn

but don’t dismay, your beard is great
and if you grow it long enough you’ll look like Terry Waite
it’s got a luscious sheen, it’s nice and clean
to shave? no way, to shave? no way
So if you can’t grow hair, don’t despair
At least you’ll know you can always grow a beard that’s fair
The world needs bearded Nesties, so (hey, hey)
grow that lovely beard!

Give it to me Nesty,
Uh-huh uh-huh
Give it to me Nesty,
Uh-huh uh-huh
Give it to me Nesty
Uh-huh uh-huh
And all the lemons say I’m pretty hairy for a bald guy

He has some cool slacks
Not just any will suffice
soft, and brown, and smooth
he paid a pretty price
crabwalking on the stage now,
his head starts to rotate
the crowd of Pips stop and stare
as he begins to masturbate

but don’t dismay, your beard is great
and if you grow it long enough you’ll look like Terry Waite
it’s got a luscious sheen, it’s nice and clean
to shave? no way, to shave? no way
So if you can’t grow hair, don’t despair
At least you’ll know you can always grow a beard that’s fair
The world needs bearded Nesties, so (hey, hey)
grow that lovely beard!

Now he’s getting a tattoo, yeah
He’s gettin’ ink done
He asked for a “Chewbacca” but they drew “Lumpwaroo” his son
his moustache was too long
it was tickling his lip
he gave it a nice trim
now he’s, he’s adored by Pips!

Give it to me Nesty,
Uh-huh uh-huh
Give it to me Nesty,
Uh-huh uh-huh
Give it to me Nesty
Uh-huh uh-huh

Uno, dos, tres, look at Nesty’s facial hairs

but don’t dismay, your beard is great
and if you grow it long enough you’ll look like Terry Waite
it’s got a luscious sheen, it’s nice and clean
to shave? no way, to shave? no way
So if you can’t grow hair, don’t despair
At least you’ll know you can always grow a beard that’s fair
The world needs bearded Nesties
The world needs bearded Nesties
The world needs bearded Nesties, so (hey, hey)
grow that lovely beard!

I’m Not a Poet, but Unfortunately I Didn’t Know It

for Baz

the truth in a lie
the crack of a smile
a tear in my eye
alone for a while.


what is the sound upon the breeze?
it’s the tune of spoons being wrapped on knees.
the tune is one of love and glee,
it’s the song of love i wrote to you from me.
the squirrels dance about and shout,
while rabbits like to hop about.
the badger plucks upon his bass,
while door mouse children play tick and chase.
this all occurs inside my head,
as i lay asleep inside my bed.
the dreams of animals with murderous voice,
those rotten mushrooms were not my choice.
my brain begins to die and ooze,
confounded by the toxic booze.
the wasted life, untimely death,
the scent of whiskey on my last breath.
you thought this verse was happy and gay,
but it’s not the mood i’m in today.
for work is bad, i want to leave,
an escape plan I must conceive.
to flee from this barbaric oppression,
and go on the road with my Yoda impression.
to sing the song of Disney Princesses,
wear beautiful gowns and long flowing dresses.
I seem to have drifted severely off trail,
my reasoning has seemed to fail.


I saw the face of a Roman centurion today.
I asked him his name and he said nothing.
I asked what of his destination,
to no reply.
I asked of his purpose to be on this bus,
Silenced filled the air.
It was light and condensation on the window besides me.
That face it was not there.


alcohol’s my friend.
the headaches are my enemy.
my life continues as a blur,
with whiskey as the remedy.

 

Not Another Happy Ending

Those that know me are probably familiar with my fondness for the dark and twisted in films. Not the horror genre, I find most of that to be incredibly tiresome, but I love a good tragedy in other types of films. Disney Pixar would be nothing without the sadness. The Empire Strikes Back would be nothing without the goodies getting their asses handed to them by the Empire. It is a trope which is often overlooked in films. The integrity of feels would go way up in my estimation if film makers had the balls to break some hearts.

Picture this; Judd Apatow’s Knocked Up. The baby is born, the family are together. The family car is heading down the highway crammed full of love and potential Happiness Ever After. The camera zooms out… and zooms… and zooms… off into the sunset they go… BAM! Their car is in a collision with a lorry. Credits roll. Now, wouldn’t have that made a better ending?

Oh.

Just me?

Hmmm.

Anyway. Since hearing a song back in… probably 2006, I think. I have thought it perfect to accompany the ending to a film. It would be your usual run of the mill rom-com. A classic boy never meets girl story. Both perfect for each other, but life and circumstance forever getting in the way of their meeting. Years go by; attending the same parties but never speaking, friends of friends but never interacting. We have laughs along the way. Failed relationships for the both of them. Broken hearts, comedic breaking of bones maybe? Eventually, the meet cute happens (the song begins to play) Love at first sight. We fall in love with them together. We all know that they are perfect for each other. They kiss in the rain, they kiss going up the stairs, they kiss pushing through the unlocked apartment door, they kiss in the bedroom… BANG!… BANG! One shot each kills them both instantly. The burglar they disturbed rushes away with a handful of cheap dress jewellery…

Anyway. Enjoy the song, and come on film makers- don’t be afraid to break hearts.